Coaching and Parenting

This is the fourth in a series of articles discussing chapters in Terry Pettit's book Talent and the Secret Life of Teams. Mr. Pettit served as the head volleyball coach at Nebraska for 23 years and his teams won 21 conference titles and the 1995 NCAA national championship.

by Jim Freeman

August 18, 2020

"My father once told us 'I want my kids to suffer'. At first I was shocked, but as I got older the more sense it made." - Roberto Clemente Jr., son of Roberto Clemente

I grew up in the Pittsburgh area during the 1960s and 70s...Roberto Clemente was my hero...and he still is. Clemente played right field for the Pittsburgh Pirates from 1955 to 1972 and was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1973. He would have been 86 today. He perished in a plane crash on New Year's Eve in 1972 attempting to deliver food and supplies to earthquake victims in Nicaragua. I remember the quote about him wanting his children to suffer...as a youngster I heard him say it in an interview on television and I was puzzled by the statement. However, the sentiment certainly resonated with me as a coach and also as a parent now that we have children of our own.

Pettit comments "there is no growth without pain" and that is what Mr. Clemente meant in the statement referenced above. There is no growth without struggling and failing and ultimately persevering. Sports provide a wonderful environment for learning how to successfully deal with disappointment, failure and pain while improving resilience, work ethic and self-sacrifice. Helping young people in that process is one of the driving forces behind why I became a coach in the first place.

I have been coaching far longer than I have been parenting but I have always been aware of the many things both vocations have in common. In general I think the goal of both is to prepare children to stand on their own...to eventually not need the parent or coach in order to be successful.

I remember having that message hammered home to me when I heard Hugh McCutcheon (current Minnesota head volleyball coach) answer a question about being nervous or worried because he was forced to miss some of the matches in the 2008 Olympic games as the head coach of the men's national team. He said he was not concerned in the least because they trained so that his presence was not needed in those matches. That team won the gold medal. I have tried to take a similar approach as a coach ever since.

Not long after those Olympics the coaches I worked with were really trying to emphasize these kinds of things with our high school team. We trained in a way that gave players more ownership and we purposely injected chaos into our practices. During one match that year I inadvertently turned in the wrong lineup (I wish I could say I did it on purpose). We then had the pleasure of watching our team work things out on their own and proceed to play very well. That remains one of my favorite coaching memories because we were not needed...those players were ready to do it themselves. Not so coincidentally that team displayed a remarkable level of toughness and poise in winning the state championship match at the end of the season.

When I first got into coaching I thought I was the kind of coach that every parent would want for their child.  I was somewhat naïve (and possibly rather arrogant) concerning what I thought all parents desired for their kids.  It did not take long before I was disabused of many of those particular fantasies. I quickly discovered that playing time was considerably more important to many parents than my lofty notions regarding what was best for their children. I've learned a great deal over the years about how to connect with parents and work with them in teaching and preparing their kids for what life will send their way. 

Pettit writes "Are we committed to behaviors that lay the foundation for success? Are we on time? Do we look each other in the eye when we speak? Do we give great effort? Do we maintain the sacredness of the group by not voicing our frustrations outside the team? Do we encourage our teammates even when we are on the sidelines?"  The development of these sorts of qualities is what makes sports matter and they are the kind of characteristics we want to see our children learn and display. Coach Bob Ladouceur whose De La Salle High School football team (Concord, CA) went undefeated from 1992 to 2004 said the game only "stood tall" for him when he could use it as a forum to teach his players how to become better people, how to become men of outstanding character. I believe it is also no coincidence that coaches and teams who place great emphasis on developing these qualities and stress the value of being excellent on each repetition in each drill in each practice ultimately produce championship level teams and programs. Anson Dorrance who has led UNC women's soccer teams to 22 national championships has stated "What drives winning? Character development."

Mr. Pettit concludes "...my wish is that everyone's son or daughter has the opportunity to play for a coach who is hopeful about the team's future, who believes your kid has the right stuff to get the job done, who encourages  your son or daughter to commit to behaviors that will provide the best chance for success, and who creates an environment where kids have the opportunity to risk, rise, fall and risk again...these characteristics would make for great parenting as well."

I've never enjoyed seeing players struggle or seeing them fail but it is a necessary part of the process of becoming tougher, better people. I have enjoyed watching players overcome obstacles and display great courage and will. Those people inspire me and those around them. Hopefully we as coaches can partner with the parents of the children we are blessed to have in our care to help those players grow to be the kind of people who will one day teach the next generation the value of such things.

What Will You Be Proud of When We Return to Sports?

By John O'Sullivan

https://changingthegameproject.com/what-will-you-be-proud-of-when-we-return-to-sports/

May 3, 2020

Tony Robichaux was a legendary collegiate baseball coach upon his passing in 2019. His teams at McNeese St and Louisiana won numerous conference titles, well over 1000 games, and made over a dozen trips to the NCAA Championships, including a College World Series in 2000. The other day I came across a quote from Robichaux that stopped me in my tracks, because it reflected something I have been thinking and speaking about quite often lately: what is my higher purpose than winning? 

When asked why he was so deeply invested in not simply developing great baseball players, but great people, Robichaux replied:

“I don’t want to teach just baseball, because I don’t want to face the Lord one day and He tells me ‘I sent you over 600 boys for you to turn into men. I see you turned them into baseball players, but you didn’t turn them into men.’”

Robichaux’s connection to this higher purpose than winning led to numerous wins, but it led to something much greater: positive influence. And that is what I want to talk about today.

As countless athletes, parents and coaches grapple with the uncertainty of COVID-19, many of us are feeling lost, losing motivation, and while we feel busier than ever, we may be accomplishing very little. I have spoken to many parents working from home – or not working at all – just trying to hold it all together. I have talked to coaches who are inundated with free webinars and coaching tools, yet feel no purpose to all their time spent online. And in conversations with numerous youth, high school and collegiate athletes, I continue to sense frustration, uncertainly, dwindling motivation, and a massive longing to get back together with their teammates. 

So what are we all to do?

To read the rest of the article click on the link below:

https://changingthegameproject.com/what-will-you-be-proud-of-when-we-return-to-sports/

This MLB manager believes in the magic of open discussion. His players love him for it.

By Matthew Gutierrez

https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/2019/08/20/this-mlb-manager-believes-magic-open-discussion-his-players-love-him-it/

August 20, 2019



Clint Hurdle (Gene J. Puskar/AP)

PITTSBURGH — Pirates Manager Clint Hurdle urges his players: Tell your dad you love him. Give him a hug. Call someone else you love, offer your support, and ask them how you can help. He knows all of his colleagues and players are going through something, constantly trying to rebuild, tweak, stay upbeat and plod along.

Here is where Hurdle believes he can fulfill his responsibility as an MLB manager, instilling an atmosphere of trust, guidance and transparency: For several years, he has led one-on-one meetings with coaches and players he calls “ups and downs.” Hurdle shares one, two or three things going well in life — and a few things not going so well. The other person does the same, with responses ranging from a good month at the plate to the rigors of minor league life to the death of a family member.

“The main idea,” Hurdle said, “is it eliminates distractions and helps them play more free.”

Every week, the 62-year-old chats with Pittsburgh’s minor league coaches. Meetings with players occur less often, usually a few times per season. They are akin to a professor’s office hours, with a few twists. They can last 60 seconds or 60 minutes. They happen virtually anytime: after a bullpen session, pregame in Hurdle’s office, on the phone during a bus ride. Central to his approach is knocking down the walls between himself and the people he works with. In his office last month, he illustrated how he might do this: He got up off the chair behind his desk and sat on a couch instead.

Hurdle believes in the magic of open discussion, where anything goes, and unplugged conversations during which he rarely dictates direction. It’s a thoughtful approach to feedback that provides players an indication of the type of teammate and person they are, and the type of player and person they can become.

“Some guys say: ‘The first time I was here, it was like a trip to the dentist. That was horrible. That was hard,’ ” Hurdle said. “I say: ‘Look, this is going to be uncomfortable. We have to work through this together. It’s not malicious. If you get to a point where you truly love somebody, you’re going to tell them the truth.’ ”

Click on the link below to read the rest of the article:

https://www.washingtonpost.com/sports/2019/08/20/this-mlb-manager-believes-magic-open-discussion-his-players-love-him-it/

5 Ways self-talk will help you now!

By Courtney Thompson
https://www.positiveperformancetraining.com/blog/5-ways-self-talk-will-help-you-now

“You should exercise unrelenting discipline over your thought patterns.  Cultivate only productive attitudes… You are the product of everything you put into your body and mind.”  -I Ching

In my experience, it’s pretty safe to assume that everyone wants to be confident.  No matter what you are doing: Playing a game, giving a speech, on a date, or taking a test at school, it’s going to be infinity more enjoyable when you feel good about who you are in that moment. In other words, confident in your own skin.

I know from personal experience how painful it is to NOT be truly myself in a given moment. It’s a feeling, in my opinion, significantly worse than losing or failing or any of the things we spend time worrying about.

What I want for you

This is my challenge to the athletes I work with: Fight and work towards being your true self, nothing more and nothing less, in every environment you walk into. You deserve that, but you also have to work for it.

Confidence comes from a few places: Hard work (which I wrote about in 8 reasons no one cares you are tired), and from our inner belief about who we are. One of the most powerful ways to influence our inner belief is by controlling the voice in our head that only we can hear: Our self-talk.

Believe it or not, your brain is a muscle; this means we have to train it like any other muscle in our body: with intention, with repetition, and with a relentless approach, because change is never easy.  I believe (because I’ve experienced it myself) that improving your self-talk will not only take your game to the next level, but make your entire experience of competing significantly more enjoyable.  And most of all, it will allow you to bring your true self in anything you are doing. So with that in mind…

[Tweet ""One of the most poweful ways to influence our inner belief is by controlling the voice in our head" - @CourtLThompson"]

Here are 5 reasons investing in your self-talk is worth it!

1)  You are not your thoughts!

Despite what it feels like at times, you are not your thoughts.  But your thoughts can effect your entire experience if you are not aware and intentional about their direction.  What’s really exciting about this is that this enormous power allows us a great opportunity; with mindfulness and intention we can train our brain to help move towards becoming a better version of ourselves. As one of my sports psychologist (Micheal Gervais) says, the discipline is making a choice to react to a situation in a way that is in line with our values. 

We do that by choosing how we perceive a situation, which comes from what we tell ourselves.  Let me give you an example:

In volleyball, it’s inevitable that at some point an athlete will miss a serve. The player that chooses to respond with positive self-talk such as “I’m loose, aggressive, and I will hit the next one” has a better chance of nailing the next serve than the player that responds with “SHOOT!  I felt terrible in warm ups and now I can’t hit anything, my coach is gonna take me out.”  That player might start making more mistakes, get down on their teammates, have poor body language, stop working hard, or a number of negative reactions that don’t line up with how they really want to behave.

Every day we have opportunities to ‘correct’ our thoughts or choose how to respond to small failures like missing a serve. If we value courage and hard work we can choose thoughts that help us behave with those traits.  This takes a constant effort, but will have limitless positive effects on not only your skills, but how much fun you have while playing.

Click on the link below to read the rest of the article:

https://www.positiveperformancetraining.com/blog/5-ways-self-talk-will-help-you-now

Review: 'How to Raise an Adult' by Julie Lythcott-Haims

By Christine Vandevelde
https://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/books/ct-prj-how-to-raise-an-adult-julie-lythcott-haims-20150611-story.html
June 11, 2015




All parents are amateurs. So we turn to the "experts" to answer our questions about vaccinations and sleep schedules and developmental milestones, as well as the more cosmic queries we wrestle with: Will my child be happy? Will my child fit in? Will my child succeed?

More than 50 million copies of Dr. Benjamin Spock's "Baby and Child Care" have been sold since its prescription of pragmatism and Freudian psychology was published in 1946. The search for parenting gurus and guiding hands continued with Penelope Leach, T. Berry Brazelton and John Rosemond. Today, there is parent Heidi Murkoff of the "What to Expect" series, psychologists Madeline Levine and Wendy Mogel, pediatrician and sleep shaman Richard Ferber and teen expert Rosalind Wiseman, author of "Queen Bees and Wannabes."

Julie Lythcott-Haims will likely be the latest to join that canon of parenting guidance, with "How To Raise An Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap And Prepare Your Kid for Success." Drawing on her own experience as a parent and former dean of freshmen at Stanford University, the latest research, and interviews with teachers, employers and Silicon Valley heavyweights, Lythcott-Haims examines the crippling practice of overparenting and its consequences. "Parents protect, direct, and handle so much for children today that we prevent them from the very growth that is essential to their development into adult human beings," she writes.

At Stanford, Lythcott-Haims was known for a mix of expertise and empathy that made her masterful with parents and helpful to students. It was as dean of freshmen she found herself regularly interacting with "students who seemed increasingly reliant upon their parents in ways that felt, simply, off." She understood overinvolved parents were acting out of love. But what those parents might not have understood is the high price paid by their children for that "parenting failure," as Lythcott-Haims calls it. Students who have had all life paths cleared for them are unable to advocate for themselves or cope with setbacks, are more prone to depression, anxiety and drug use (especially "study drugs"), lack simple life skills such as juggling academics and outside activities or managing money, and — more important — have a fear of failure that requires the dangerous strategy of always, always playing it safe.

Like the Harvard-trained lawyer she is, Lythcott-Haims solidly builds the case for how the Blackhawk helicopter parent became the "popular kid we want to follow, or the bully we have trouble standing up to because we fear being harmed, ridiculed, or left out." She thoughtfully examines the cultural shifts and whims that got us to this point: overblown fears of "stranger danger," the self-esteem movement where everybody gets a trophy, the thought contagion of bullying, the relentless competitiveness of a parent class needlessly concerned about leveling the playing field and the overscheduled, checklisted childhood resume that boasts the "right" schools, sports and extracurriculars for the college admission arms race.

Click on the link below to read the rest of the article:

https://www.chicagotribune.com/entertainment/books/ct-prj-how-to-raise-an-adult-julie-lythcott-haims-20150611-story.html

The Rocky Road of Excellence

By John O'Sullivan

https://changingthegameproject.com/the-rocky-road-of-excellence/

February 9, 2016

“How many of you want to be a college athlete?” I asked this question to 3,000 middle school students in Southern California recently. In all, about 1,000 kids raised their hands.

“What about an artist? A singer? What about a musician?” Maybe 500 students raised their hands.

“What about running a business? Raise your hand if you want to someday own your own business.” 1,500 future entrepreneurs put their hand up.

“How many of you want to go to college?” Almost every hand went up.

“Simple questions, right?” They nod. I continued, “Many people ask themselves ‘what do I want to do in life?’ But I want to let you in on a secret. Many people never end up following their passion, or working in a field they truly love, or achieving excellence in sport or academics. Most people are unfulfilled because they ask themselves the wrong essential question. They ask ‘what do I want to do?’”

“’What do I want to do’ is not very helpful question to ask.” I pause and make eye contact with a few students. “Why? Because it elicits answers such as ‘I want to go to college’ or ‘I want to be a college athlete’ or ‘I want to have a great job.’ But everybody wants those things. That question doesn’t make you any different from the 99%.”

What was I getting at here?

“Elite performers, those who are true professionals at everything they do, ask themselves a far different question. They don’t ask “What do I want?” They ask:

“What am I willing to sacrifice for, to struggle for, and to experience pain and discomfort for? In other words, what dream or passion am I willing to suffer for?”

This question is what leads to excellence in sport, in business, and in life.

The truly elite athlete, the elite musician or top business professional, knows that in order to achieve greatness, you must sacrifice. Most of the young athletes I meet want to play at a high level, but they live in the comfortable world and have no clue what must be sacrificed in order to even have a chance to make it to the top. Most live in a world where they are not challenged, not pushed, and rarely experience struggle. When they do experience adversity, they leave their team, complain to mom and dad, and blame coaches or teachers for making things difficult

They fail to learn life’s most important lesson:

You must risk being uncomfortable to achieve something worthwhile. You must forgo your safety net and go all in if you are truly passionate about pursuing a goal or a dream. You might have to leave your friends and play on a team that provides a better environment. You must be willing to get up and train before school, to arrive early and stay after training, to do more than everyone else, usually when no one is watching.

Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi left home at age 11 and 12 respectively, in pursuit of an environment that matched their dreams. They train harder than anyone else, not because it makes life easier, but because they want something so badly they are willing to suffer for it.

Speedskater Stephen Bradbury went to four Olympics, suffered horrible injuries and disappointment, yet was the last man standing in his last Olympic final and claimed a gold medal.

Click on the link below to read the rest of the article:

https://changingthegameproject.com/the-rocky-road-of-excellence/

7 habits of highly effective volleyball parents

By Jeff Smith
https://www.servecityvolleyball.org/volleyball-blog/2018/2/20/7-habits-of-highly-effective-volleyball-parents
February 2018

As a volleyball and basketball coach in 1400-plus games over 20 years and as a volleyball and basketball parent for the last eight years, I've seen and experienced the best and worst of sports parenting, from parents applauding great effort by both teams in a match to threatening the referees and getting thrown out of the gym at a game.

Things seem to work out very well for everyone when we each "stick to script" and focus on fulfilling our respective roles:

• Coaches coach.
• Parents parent.
• Players play.

In the first of a three-part series, this week's post offers seven habits that parents can build to be positive influences for their kids and their kids' team.

1. Encourage competing over winning.

It's disappointing watching normally mild-mannered parents become obsessed with their child winning a match or tournament. These parents are missing the big picture. Their daughter or son and the team are not failures if they lose a match. What's important is whether they competed. Did they give their best effort within their current state of emotional, physical and athletic development (which looks very different from a 12-year-old novice player to an 18-year-old veteran player), and does getting beat motivate them to work harder and improve?

Winning is a goal, but it shouldn't be the goal. Development as players, teams and people should be the primary focus. That's where parents can either reflect this message or contradict it.

Click on the link below to read the rest of the article:

https://www.servecityvolleyball.org/volleyball-blog/2018/2/20/7-habits-of-highly-effective-volleyball-parents