How to Thrive When Everything Feels Terrible

By Christine Porath and Mike Porath

Harvard Business Review

How to Thrive When Everything Feels Terrible (hbr.org)

October 30, 2020

Summary.   

It can feel impossible to escape from negativity right now. Fortunately, research shows that we can protect ourselves from the damaging effects of toxicity by taking steps to ensure we are “thriving” — a psychological term to describe the state in which people experience a sense of both vitality and learning. Simple choices can encourage thriving. The authors provide several tactics, based on research, for choosing positivity, including being careful about the news and social media you consume, watching which negative thoughts you vocalize out loud, and adopting a neutral mindset when faced with challenges.

We’re surrounded by negativity everywhere we turn. The news we read, social media we peruse, and conversations we have and overhear. We absorb stress from our family, friends, and coworkers. And, it’s taking a toll.

The Mighty, a community platform (founded by Mike) that provides health information and brings people together around specific health issues, has surveyed more than 70,000 readers and community members since March around their awareness, perceptions, and experience with the coronavirus crisis. In September, respondents reported their top three emotions were frustration, worry, and anger. The number of respondents choosing anger as one of their top emotions has more than doubled since March — rising from 20% then to 45% in September.

Negativity can have toxic effects. In fact, Christine’s research has shown over and over that we falter when exposed to negativity or rudeness. Witnessing rudeness interferes with our working memory and decreases our performance. Mere exposure to rude words reduces our ability to process and recall information. We tend to shut down, stop communicating, and cease being helpful to others. Dysfunctional and aggressive thoughts (and sometimes actions) skyrocket.

Fortunately, Christine’s research also shows that there is a productive way to counter those effects. It’s called thriving — the psychological state in which people experience a sense of both vitality and learning. Thriving individuals are growing, developing, and energized rather than feeling stagnated or depleted.

In studies conducted across a range of industries, Christine has found that people who experience a state of thriving are healthier, more resilient, and more able to focus on their work. When people feel even an inkling of thriving, it tends to buffer them from distractions, stress, and negativity. In a study of six organizations across six different industries, employees characterized as highly thriving demonstrated 1.2 times less burnout compared with their peers. They were also 52% more confident in themselves and their ability to take control of a situation. They were far less likely to have negativity drag them into distraction or self-doubt.

So how do you increase your thriving especially when it feels like you’re drowning in negativity? Our research points to some tactics.

Avoid negativity. Pay attention to what you’re ingesting: what information you chose to read, the media you consume, the music you listen to, the people you choose to spend time with, and the people you look up to. Negativity seeps into our pores through these sources. So make simple choices away from negativity and toward positivity.

Click on the link below to read the rest of the article:

How to Thrive When Everything Feels Terrible (hbr.org)

Coaching with grace: Geoff Carlston offers thoughts about the importance of the profession

By Volleyball Magazine Staff

https://volleyballmag.com/geoff-carlston-coaching-112620/

November 26, 2020

Geoff Carlston, who grew up in Minnesota, has coached on the college level for 20 years. He has been the head coach at Concordia University-St. Paul, Ohio University, and, from 2008-19, The Ohio State University.
He and his wife, Sara, now live with their three youngs boys in Colorado, where Geoff is coaching beach volleyball players of all ages, including a rising AVP men’s team.
This article grew through his AVCA presentations on storytelling, conversations with coaches, and his own experiences:  

 

By Geoff Carlston for VolleyballMag.com

There is no other vocation quite like coaching.

We give of ourselves, heart and spirit, because we genuinely want to make a difference. Coaches epitomize what cultivates meaning in this crazy world we walk in. We trust, we aspire, we inspire, we teach, we love.

The coach’s path is not for everyone. The road is filled with moments that can relentlessly drop us to our knees.

We lose on the court, exposed in front of multitudes of all-knowing fans in the bleachers and screens. They will never understand a coach’s drive home, ruminating at each stoplight about a game-altering play we wish we could have back. We shepherd the dreams of our players and staff, taking on their pain, stories, injuries and doubts. A coach is wired for strong shoulders.

On the other side of the adventure, this journey affords us joys most could not even imagine experiencing in their work. A coach understands that you cannot have one without the other. They are intertwined and symbiotic.

Yet as competitive as every coach I know is, they are in the arena because they believe, to their core, in the magic of teachable moments. These slices of time are too often missed, lost in the fog of the day’s chatter and noise. Great coaches capture and breathe life into them. They build the stage for stories to be written and understand that the best verses are born from these moments. So we are there when our players feel joy, when they are in a lonely hospital bed, when their spirit is broken and when they fly.

We are there to grieve when a parent dies. We are there to listen when they are at their weakest, and we are there to let go when they begin to realize the strength of personal courage. We are there. An impactful coach shows up, stays in the muck with them every single day.

Click on the link below to read the rest of the article:

https://volleyballmag.com/geoff-carlston-coaching-112620/

Photo Credit: Shelby Lum/The Lantern

Be Water, My Friend

 By Jim Freeman

"Empty your mind, be formless. Shapeless, like water. If you put water into a cup, it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle and it becomes the bottle. You put it in a teapot, it becomes the teapot. Now, water can flow or it can crash. Be water, my friend." - Bruce Lee

Bruce Lee remains one of the most influential martial artists of all time and his iconic "Be Water" quote is drawn from centuries of Eastern philosophy and wisdom. Mr. Lee's daughter Shannon has a new book out on the teachings of her late father titled Be Water, My Friend. Ms. Lee expounds on her father's thoughts and how they can be used to aid personal growth on a daily basis. It is enthusiastically recommended. Confucius, the great Chinese philosopher who lived hundreds of years before Christ and thousands of years before Mr. Lee, stated "As the water shapes itself to the vessel that contains it, so a wise man adapts himself to circumstances." Marcus Aurelius, stoic Roman emperor and philosopher, wrote "We have the power to hold no opinion about a thing and not to let it upset our state of mind, for things have no natural power to shape our judgements." Ideas and teachings concerning balance and controlling one's mind in order to be more productive and increase one's quality of life have been in place for thousands of years. Finding a sort of mental neutral gear that allows us to better adapt and control our thoughts and emotions in order to improve performance and maximize our potential is what Mr. Lee was stressing when he advised the listener to be like water.

We discussed judgmental thinking and its negative impact on performance in the last article. Applying any sort of judgement to a performance makes things more complicated and more difficult. It distracts us and heightens anxiety. Most people don't need convincing when it comes to the harmful impact that negative thinking brings to performance. Judging athletic endeavors as though we're putting ourselves on trial for some crime will cripple performance every single time. It's easy to persuade athletes and coaches to limit the negative...the benefit is obvious. What about removing that judgement from our sporting life altogether...including some positive thinking and commentary?

We touched on the notions of a judging and commanding Self 1 and the doing, natural learning Self 2 as discussed in W. Timothy Gallwey's The Inner Game of Tennis in our previous essay. Self 1 is the critical and interfering judge reminding the athlete of every "bad" swing...every "dumb" mistake. Self 2 is the performer in a natural state of non-judgmental playing and learning. Helping the athlete learn how to limit the negative critiquing of Self 1 so Self 2 can be "in the zone" or play in an unconscious state more often is the goal. But what about positive thinking? That's got to be good right? There are probably as many books and magazine articles on the power of positive thinking as there are on the harmful effects of negative thinking... maybe more. I have no issues with a "Positive Thinking" approach except that it leaves open the possibility of falling prey to a judging mindset that feeds that Self 1 persona. Sometimes trying to think positive is one more thing to be anxious about, one more thing to beat ourselves up about when we fail to do it. I believe this is especially true when we're trying to get a handle on the self-critiquing Self 1 in the early stages of this process.

When I was an assistant high school girls basketball coach many years ago we had a player on our team who was athletic, talented and worked very hard. She was also very tough on herself mentally and I routinely suggested that she try to think positively...to be more positive in general. At one point in a practice I again reminded her of that and she whirled towards me in a state of near panic and yelled "I've tried that! It doesn't work!" I will never forget the look of frustration and desperation in her eyes. I can still see it all these years later. At the time I didn't really understand how my advice to think positive was just one more thing for her to stress about, one more thing to struggle with. I thought I was helping...looking back I'm sure that I was not.

Trevor Moawad, author of It Takes What It Takes, opined in an interview I saw him give with Michael Johnson (Olympic and World Champion sprinter) that "positive thinking creates another layer of pressure on people...it creates more anxiety than the upside value of it." As a coach I have tried to be much more positive than negative when giving feedback. However, we see how easy it can be for Self 1 to start chasing positive feedback like "nice swing" or "good pass"...and just that quickly we're back in the judgment zone again. The ego of Self 1 can turn any compliment into a morality play...if this swing is "good" then the swing that fails to elicit praise is "bad". The end result of this is a distracted athlete who is once again rating the goodness of their efforts. Moawad preaches the benefits of a neutral-thinking approach to performance...an approach that is neither negative or positive. He writes, "The actual truth is not negative or positive when you remove judgement from it. Neutral is the harmony between two extremes, negative and positive." The concept of neutral thinking is not a new one...in fact, Moawad sounds positively Zen in his approach.

The legendary sixteenth-century Japanese "sword saint", Miyamoto Musashi and his work The Five Rings (or Writings on the Five Spheres) were mentioned in the previous essay. His writings are divided into five sections or scrolls (relating to the five spheres in the title). In the section called "Water" he discusses his style of swordsmanship and its broader applications.  The following quotes in this scroll can be seen to espouse a neutral approach to the samurai's sword discipline as well as his daily life. 

"In the Way of Strategy, your mindset should not differ from your everyday mind. In daily life or in strategic moments, without changing it even the slightest bit, make your mind broad and straight. Without trying to rein it in tightly, or letting it go slack at all, and in such a way that it does not lean in any particular direction, center your mind exactly, and set it quietly vibrating. You should investigate exhaustively..." I remain ignorant as to the specifics of the vibrating mind concept but I had to include it...clearly I need to investigate this more thoroughly. 

"In this Way (of Strategy), it is especially important for you to understand that the middle is the ultimate position. The middle is the original meaning of "position". Look at the large-scale strategy: the middle position is the general's seat. The other four positions follow the general's orders. Investigate this diligently."

Musashi was a lifelong student of Buddhism and such concepts as emptiness, mindfulness and formlessness appear throughout his teachings. Buddhism originated in India between the 5th and 4th centuries BC and spread to China before being brought to Japan. Japanese Zen emerged as a separate school in the 12th century. Musashi's idea of a "no form, no thought" strike springs from those philosophies and traditions. "When your adversary is about to strike, and you also want to strike, with your body becoming the body of the strike and your spirit becoming the spirit of striking, your hand spontaneously strikes out of nowhere, quickly and powerfully. This - called "no thought, no form" - is a strike of paramount importance. This strike is a frequently used one; learn it well, and train it diligently." 

Phrases like "investigate this exhaustively" and "train this diligently" are sprinkled throughout The Five Rings. "Forge yourself with a thousand days of training, and polish yourself with ten thousand days of practice. This is something you need to investigate thoroughly." These phrasings are some of my favorites in the book, whether referring to physical training or mental/spiritual training, diligence is constantly stressed. Finding that neutral state and maintaining it requires constant practice and discipline. 

A foundational aspect of staying neutral is to be in the moment and not let what has already happened or what may yet happen affect what is happening right now. A quote from Nick Saban hammers home this point, "What happened yesterday is history. What happens tomorrow is a mystery. What we do today makes a difference - the precious present moment." If we are concerned with previous failures or previous successes we will be distracted from maximizing performance in the here and now. Saban emphasizes concentrating on the process...doing one's best on this practice rep or this play and then moving on to the next repetition or play. The ability to remain focused on what's happening right now allows the player to stack maximized repetitions until at the end of that practice or game the individual has produced a series of excellent performances.

We can only think about one thing at a time. If we are thinking about relevant cues regarding the job at hand then we won't have room for the negative thoughts that hinder performance. Moawad discusses this "law of substitution" in his book, "...we function best when we're broadcasting a series of strong, neutral statements to ourselves and don't let outside noise or our own internal chatter derail those thoughts." Staying locked in on what is happening at the moment and using neutral task-based statements is the template for neutral thinking. Gallwey developed the "Bounce-Hit" tactic for tennis...he has his students say those words as they concentrate on seeing the ball bounce on their side of the net and when it contacts their racket. He found that his students performed more effortlessly and more effectively as they adopted that technique. They weren't distracted by judgmental thinking because they had something else to think about that didn't cause them to freeze up.

There is also plenty of time to go negative between plays, strokes or quarters. Staying in a neutral and productive state of mind during periods of inactivity is an important aspect of performing consistently at our best for longer stretches. Russell Wilson uses the statements "great fundamentals, great balance, be engaged" during games in his role as quarterback of the Seattle Seahawks. He happens to be a client of Mr. Moawad and wrote the foreword to his book. Occupying the mind with things that concern the current play or upcoming play such as "what defense are they in?" or "see the ball hit the bat" is a way to avoid being distracted by the surrounding environment or circumstances of the event. Golf is a sport with a tremendous amount of "down time" during play and as such there is plenty of opportunity for Self 1 to take over and wreck the process of staying in a neutral, non-judgmental zone. Gallwey states in golf "It is most often in the interval between shots that both the inner and the outer game are won or lost." Keeping the mind busy with relevant task-oriented thinking is the way to stay out of that particular hazard (pun intended).

Limiting judgmental thinking and commentary that results in increased tension and anxiety during any event whether it is a business presentation, a piano recital or a golf game is a key component of producing maximal performances. The neutral, non-judgmental state produces a calm mind that is free to focus on what truly matters at that moment. This allows the body to act in a fluid and natural manner. Bruce Lee comments that "pliability is life, rigidity is death....the less tension and effort, the faster and more powerful you will be." Water can be placid like a mountain lake, trickle like a forest stream or pound like a tropical storm. Be water, my friend.

The Negativity Effect

By Jim Freeman

"I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful..." - Bob Wiley, What About Bob?

In the film referred to in the above quote Mr. Wiley is using a form of affirmative self-talk to create a more positive mindset. There is a scene early in the movie that shows Bob walking down the sidewalk of a busy city repeating this mantra while another gentleman bulls past him repeating a profanity-laced mantra of a different sort. Self-Talk is one of the most commonly prescribed tools in the field of sport psychology. However I've found that reactionary and unstructured conversations with ourselves can find us saying the worst things imaginable and believing them. We routinely say things to ourselves that we would never say to anyone else and we will be quick to believe those negative statements. The Negativity Effect or Negativity Bias involves the typical human response of lending more weight to negative experiences, comments or images than to positive or neutral ones. We will be impacted more by a negative comment or assessment than a positive one. This Negativity Effect looks to be hardwired into the human brain and realizing that is the first step toward gaining a measure of control over it. Christine Porath, a professor at Georgetown has found that one toxic connection in the workplace is four to seven times more impactful than a positive one. Dr. Mike Bechtle notes that it takes three to four seconds for bad news to enter our long-term memory and 12 seconds for good news. If we are distracted during those 12 seconds the good news will never even make it into our long term memory. Dr. Barbara Frederickson, author of the book Positivity has written extensively on the serious damage that negative attitudes can have on our physical health while also documenting how overcoming the negativity bias is beneficial to health. Limiting  negativity and eventually flipping it to create positive imaging and self-talk is the generally accepted formula for progress in a wide variety of areas. Because the impact of the negative is so powerful we will first focus on limiting the negative...we'll get around to the positive down the road.

In their comprehensive book The Power of Bad John Tierney and Roy F. Baumeister posit their "Rule of Four": It takes four good things to overcome one bad thing. Baumeister co-authored a journal article in 2001 titled "Bad is Stronger Than Good" which eventually led to the publication of the book he co-wrote with Tierney. Tierney and Baumeister write that "avoiding bad is far more important than doing good when you're dealing with lovers, children, friends, colleagues or anyone else. It's not what you do unto others. It's what you don't do." I'll be so bold as to suggest that list of people can include ourselves as well.

Going negative is something I've experienced myself as an athlete and a coach and observed in every single team I've ever worked with. No individual and no team is able to "stay positive" all the time. We've all seen teams fall prey to this kind of destructive thinking. The trick is to limit how long we stay in that negative zone. Scott Adams writes in his book Loserthink "The thoughts you allow into your head are the code that programs your mind and body." Avoiding spending a significant amount of time dwelling on negative thoughts gives us a chance to code programs that will be beneficial to performance instead of hindering it. 

One of my pet peeves (besides the term "pet peeve") as a coach is the athlete who taps their chest and says "My B" or "My bad" after making a mistake. I coached a volleyball player years ago who routinely did it after serving into the net or forgetting to go to the correct place on defense. I was usually tempted to yell "No bleeping $%#@ it's your B!" Fortunately I was able to refrain from succumbing to that form of temptation every time it happened. The "my B" thing is commonly done after a mistake that is obvious to all as to who is at fault. That obviousness is one aspect of the act that irritates me, another is that it's sometimes used as a casual apology of sorts. The most problematic part of it is that it doesn't really allow the athlete or the rest of the team to move forward from the error with confidence and belief. I've seen many players say it and carry that sense of failure into the next play and their teammates are affected by it. Athletes, coaches and teams don't need any help dwelling on mistakes. The real trick is to put that mistake behind us immediately and prepare for the next play. Allowing one error to turn into three or four more is how losing is done.

W. Timothy Gallwey in his enormously influential book The Inner Game of Tennis discusses the notion that each of us has two selves: Self 1 is the conscious mind, the thinker, the boss and Self 2 is the subconscious mind, the executer, the performer. Self 1 is the part of ourselves that usually needs to be brought to heel. That's the part that wants to immediately assign some kind of judgement to our actions. If a golfer hooks a drive into the woods, Self 1 will be inclined to say something along the lines of "that was an idiotic swing, get your $%&# together!" Chances are such judgements won't facilitate an improvement in performance off the next tee. In fact, it's entirely possible that the next swing out of the woods will produce another less than desirable result. Such judgmental commentary will continue to cause the golfer to tighten up even more and result in continued struggle possibly culminating in my personal go-to response of shouting obscenities and throwing clubs. Gallwey writes "....the player's muscles tighten when they need to be loose, strokes become awkward and less fluid, and negative evaluations are likely to continue with growing intensity." Stacking errors because Self 1 has turned Self 2 into its personal scapegoat can be avoided if judgment is removed from the process. Athletic movements are not moral acts...there is no "wrong" swing. There are swings that don't produce the desired result. There is a difference. 

In The Book of Five Rings the legendary sixteenth century samurai Miyamoto Musashi compares the observing eye and the perceiving eye, "Observation and perception are two separate things; the observing eye is stronger' and the perceiving eye is weaker." The observing eye is strictly concerned with reality: what is there, what we see, what is actually happening, nothing more. The perceiving eye distracts us by seeing more than what is there: fear and doubt, misperceptions, value judgements, questions of why. The observing eye focuses on what we can control, the perceiving eye gets bogged down by issues and speculations that are beyond our control. The perceiving eye presents information that we don't need and it often gives that information at a time that is less than ideal. Thinking about how many putts we missed on the last green as we begin our backswing driving off the next tee is not a winning strategy. Calming our emotions and seeing things as they really are will allow us to remove distractions and judgments from the process and give us the opportunity to succeed. Musashi is heralded for his innovative swordsmanship and an  undefeated record in 61 contests including victories in duels where he lost his sword. It seems that relying on the observing eye in a duel where one's sword has been lost would be crucial if one hoped to survive such a battle.

Trevor Moawad in his excellent book It Takes What It Takes  discusses the power of speaking negatively, "Thinking about my struggles is nowhere near as powerful as verbalizing them. When it comes out of my mouth it affects me tenfold...The choice to verbalize our negativity is a death sentence." I see athletes dealing with this kind of negativity and doubt on a regular basis. Anything I say or do as a coach is not going to be nearly as impactful as what that athlete thinks or says to herself. "My bad" is one example of this but I routinely hear gloomy commentary regarding performance and I have become quick to say that it's one thing to think it but it's an entirely different thing to say it. Statements like "I just can't pass today" or "#@$& I suck today!" are so crippling that they just cannot be said. Thus, our first goal as performers of any kind is in the words of Moawad to "stop saying stupid $%#@"...in other words stop saying anything negative out loud. Reducing the negative effect of vocalizing our judgmental thoughts will have a significant impact on our own performance and the performance of those around us. 

As an aside, the fact that what a player says to herself is much more impactful than any critique I might give as a coach doesn't mean that I can take a casual approach to what I say. I've become more and more cognizant of the massive influence my negative comments can have on a player and I'm very careful about how and when I make them. Tierney and Baumeister talk about this at length in their chapter on how to deliver bad news. People's memories kick into high gear when seeing or hearing something negative and as a result that bad news will override or wipe out any good news delivered beforehand. I try to get the bad news out of the way first and then smother it with a lot of positive commentary so the player can move forward feeling better about things.

The first step for an athlete in limiting the negative is to remove judgement and self-condemnation from the equation. Gallwey states "There is a more natural process of learning and performing waiting to be discovered. It is waiting to show what it can do when allowed to operate without interference from the conscious strivings of the judgmental self." 

Our Own Perceptions

By Jim Freeman

September 23, 2020

"That things have no hold on the soul. They stand there unmoving, outside it. Disturbance comes only from within - from our own perceptions." - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

Marcus Aurelius was the Emperor of Rome from 161 to 180 and is considered by historians as the last of their "Five Good Emperors". He penned his Meditations during the final ten years of his reign and it is still thought to be one of the greatest and most influential philosophical works ever written. The book was written as a collection of notes to himself and most likely was never intended for publication. The Modern Library translation by Gregory Hayes is considered the best version available and I enthusiastically recommend it. Meditations is representative of the teachings of the Stoic philosophy founded by Zeno of Citium in Athens in the third century BC. Stoicism is a philosophy meant to be applied to our everyday lives and its chief concerns are ethics, metaphysics and logic. The four virtues of Stoicism are courage, temperance, justice and wisdom. At this point some readers may be asking themselves "Why in the world are we talking about Marcus Aurelius?...or wasn't he the old guy in the movie Gladiator?" Part of the point is to establish the fact that we have been wrestling with the power that our thoughts and emotions have over our actions for quite some time...we've literally been writing about and discussing the subject for centuries. The other part of the point is to suggest that it's not a bad idea to glean all the wisdom and knowledge we can from the great minds that came before us.

I approach this topic from a coaching perspective...I've been a coach of one sport or another for over 30 years. At the beginning I didn't have much of an idea of how to go about any of it so I studied successful leaders and coaches across a variety of disciplines. One thing they all had in common was that they never stopped trying to learn and improve.  I've attended numerous coaching clinics and I would routinely see many of the best coaches in the room listening intently, asking questions and taking notes. It was at one such clinic that I heard Anson Dorrance (UNC Women's Soccer Coach) say that success isn't just a result of learning new drills or even new tactics, it's also about learning how to improve culture and how to consistently compete at a high level. I have found that what bounces around inside the heads of athletes often makes such things much more difficult. The first athlete I noticed that about was me.

When I was quite young I started playing baseball and football and did so during a time when the kids in the neighborhood would organize the games themselves...no grown-ups required. I also played both sports in a more official capacity usually in the evenings with uniforms, lights, spectators and coaches.  My performances in baseball couldn't have been more different in the two environments. During the day with no one watching, no lights and no coaches everything was fine. I had fun and played fairly well. However, at night I was so paralyzed by a fear of failure that I literally could not swing the bat. I became the kid who was put in right field (where fewer balls were hit) in the last inning. I would get one turn at bat and I would either walk or strike out. I was beyond embarrassed and had no answers for my friends who sometimes asked "What's wrong with you?" They were the same friends who would see me play during the day and they couldn't figure out why I was such a different player at night. Neither could I. I didn't have access to truckloads of sport psychology books...there weren't any. Unwittingly I sort of became my own psychologist and wrestled successfully with my thoughts enough to at least become a functional player in the high stress conditions of Pony League Baseball.

There is a lot of time to think during a baseball game and that really worked against me as a young athlete. My mind would race to worse-case scenarios and before long I had rendered myself helpless on the diamond. If my parents didn't make it to the game I would rub dirt on my uniform and lie about how well I had done in that night's contest. I had perfect sports parents....they watched, clapped and never put any pressure on me about my performance. How I played didn't matter to them. They knew I loved baseball and that was enough. They also never called me on my obvious embellishments about my play when they couldn't attend a game. Over time I became angrier and angrier with myself. I remained embarrassed and frustrated.  Somehow I figured out a way to calm my mind enough to be able to play under those bright lights. I had quite a few conversations with myself and stumbled upon the tool of "self-talk" without realizing it at the time. I tried to stop thinking so negatively and instead tried to be more positive...or at least not so negative. Years later I had similarly anxious feelings as an adult while I walked up to the park prior to a church league softball game. I had to stand in the parking lot and give myself a little "pep-talk" before continuing to the field. By then I had some tools...I had a decent idea how to do it. During the years between Little League and church league I read a number of books on the subject of sport psychology primarily because I was coaching high school athletics and trying to learn how to be an effective coach.

I remember reading about very successful  professional athletes seeking help with the mental approach to their craft years ago. There was a bit of a stigma attached to it at the time and many players were uncomfortable revealing that they needed that sort of help. They thought it would make them appear weak. John Smoltz (Hall of Fame pitcher) was one of the first I recall being willing to publicly discuss his struggles and solutions. I thought that if athletes of that caliber needed assistance in that regard then surely the players that I coach could use it. My experience as a young baseball player still allows me to relate to the athletes that I coach...particularly concerning the head games we often play with ourselves and how that affects performance. Players routinely work hard on their sport skills and their physical conditioning but struggle with finding ways to improve their mental conditioning. As a result I try to locate methods and resources to help my teams address the mental aspect of their sporting lives while knowing that information can help them outside of sports as well.

Over time I came to discover that mental training was something that was required and addressed in a variety of fields from sports to business to the military and first responders. My dad spent 30 years in the Army Reserves and would routinely tell me when I was a young man that I needed "six months of basic training" to snap me out of it. I wasn't the most disciplined or achievement-oriented teenager in town and he was absolutely correct. However I had no interest in doing anything like that especially considering that my short temper would likely see me land in the brig had I enlisted. As an adult I got around to reading books about something other than weightlifting and developed a keen appreciation for the mental training that occurs in our Armed Forces particularly the Special Operators. Marcus Luttrell's book Lone Survivor is a heart-wrenching and inspiring story and a perfect illustration of the impact that kind of mental training can have. Luttrell was one of four members of SEAL Team Ten deployed to Afghanistan in 2005. Due to their rules of engagement they allowed unarmed local herdsmen who had happened upon them to leave the area knowing their location would be revealed to the Taliban as a result. The Taliban later attacked the SEALs with RPGs and mortars and ultimately three of the four team members were killed. Luttrell suffered multiple fractures including a broken back but was nonetheless able to crawl seven miles to a village for aid and shelter. That does not happen without the mindset that is developed in his training and preparation. One of my favorite quotes from Mr. Luttrell states: "I will never quit. My nation expects me to be physically harder and mentally stronger than my enemies. If knocked down I will get back up every time. I will draw on every remaining ounce of strength to protect my teammates and accomplish our mission. I am never out of the fight." If Luttrell had spent his time thinking about all the reasons he would not succeed in getting to that village he would have surely not made it. Instead he thought about what he needed to do to get help and that's what he concentrated on. His trained mind stayed on task, didn't dwell on the negative and he was able to crawl his way to safety.

Ryan Holiday's book The Obstacle is the Way is based on the philosophical principles espoused in the writings of Marcus Aurelius and he states in the chapter titled The Discipline of Perception "You will come across obstacles in life - fair and unfair. And you will discover, time and time again, that what matters most is not what these obstacles are but how we see them, how we react to them, and whether we keep our composure. You will learn that this reaction determines how successful we will be in overcoming - or possibly thriving because of - them." Controlling our minds so that we are able to weed out distracting and unhelpful thoughts and emotions allows us to make room for those ideas that have a more accurate or truthful perspective regarding our circumstances and how to overcome them. This approach provides a path toward effectively dealing with those obstacles and struggles...and the more we apply such thinking the better we get at doing it.

Creating a mindset that will foster success regardless of our pursuits requires diligence and belief...and it involves limiting the negative thoughts that are so powerful and defeating. Controlling our own perceptions of ourselves and our circumstances is a must if we want to maximize our opportunities and potential. We will continue to explore this topic in subsequent articles.

Coaching and Parenting

This is the fourth in a series of articles discussing chapters in Terry Pettit's book Talent and the Secret Life of Teams. Mr. Pettit served as the head volleyball coach at Nebraska for 23 years and his teams won 21 conference titles and the 1995 NCAA national championship.

by Jim Freeman

August 18, 2020

"My father once told us 'I want my kids to suffer'. At first I was shocked, but as I got older the more sense it made." - Roberto Clemente Jr., son of Roberto Clemente

I grew up in the Pittsburgh area during the 1960s and 70s...Roberto Clemente was my hero...and he still is. Clemente played right field for the Pittsburgh Pirates from 1955 to 1972 and was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1973. He would have been 86 today. He perished in a plane crash on New Year's Eve in 1972 attempting to deliver food and supplies to earthquake victims in Nicaragua. I remember the quote about him wanting his children to suffer...as a youngster I heard him say it in an interview on television and I was puzzled by the statement. However, the sentiment certainly resonated with me as a coach and also as a parent now that we have children of our own.

Pettit comments "there is no growth without pain" and that is what Mr. Clemente meant in the statement referenced above. There is no growth without struggling and failing and ultimately persevering. Sports provide a wonderful environment for learning how to successfully deal with disappointment, failure and pain while improving resilience, work ethic and self-sacrifice. Helping young people in that process is one of the driving forces behind why I became a coach in the first place.

I have been coaching far longer than I have been parenting but I have always been aware of the many things both vocations have in common. In general I think the goal of both is to prepare children to stand on their own...to eventually not need the parent or coach in order to be successful.

I remember having that message hammered home to me when I heard Hugh McCutcheon (current Minnesota head volleyball coach) answer a question about being nervous or worried because he was forced to miss some of the matches in the 2008 Olympic games as the head coach of the men's national team. He said he was not concerned in the least because they trained so that his presence was not needed in those matches. That team won the gold medal. I have tried to take a similar approach as a coach ever since.

Not long after those Olympics the coaches I worked with were really trying to emphasize these kinds of things with our high school team. We trained in a way that gave players more ownership and we purposely injected chaos into our practices. During one match that year I inadvertently turned in the wrong lineup (I wish I could say I did it on purpose). We then had the pleasure of watching our team work things out on their own and proceed to play very well. That remains one of my favorite coaching memories because we were not needed...those players were ready to do it themselves. Not so coincidentally that team displayed a remarkable level of toughness and poise in winning the state championship match at the end of the season.

When I first got into coaching I thought I was the kind of coach that every parent would want for their child.  I was somewhat naïve (and possibly rather arrogant) concerning what I thought all parents desired for their kids.  It did not take long before I was disabused of many of those particular fantasies. I quickly discovered that playing time was considerably more important to many parents than my lofty notions regarding what was best for their children. I've learned a great deal over the years about how to connect with parents and work with them in teaching and preparing their kids for what life will send their way. 

Pettit writes "Are we committed to behaviors that lay the foundation for success? Are we on time? Do we look each other in the eye when we speak? Do we give great effort? Do we maintain the sacredness of the group by not voicing our frustrations outside the team? Do we encourage our teammates even when we are on the sidelines?"  The development of these sorts of qualities is what makes sports matter and they are the kind of characteristics we want to see our children learn and display. Coach Bob Ladouceur whose De La Salle High School football team (Concord, CA) went undefeated from 1992 to 2004 said the game only "stood tall" for him when he could use it as a forum to teach his players how to become better people, how to become men of outstanding character. I believe it is also no coincidence that coaches and teams who place great emphasis on developing these qualities and stress the value of being excellent on each repetition in each drill in each practice ultimately produce championship level teams and programs. Anson Dorrance who has led UNC women's soccer teams to 22 national championships has stated "What drives winning? Character development."

Mr. Pettit concludes "...my wish is that everyone's son or daughter has the opportunity to play for a coach who is hopeful about the team's future, who believes your kid has the right stuff to get the job done, who encourages  your son or daughter to commit to behaviors that will provide the best chance for success, and who creates an environment where kids have the opportunity to risk, rise, fall and risk again...these characteristics would make for great parenting as well."

I've never enjoyed seeing players struggle or seeing them fail but it is a necessary part of the process of becoming tougher, better people. I have enjoyed watching players overcome obstacles and display great courage and will. Those people inspire me and those around them. Hopefully we as coaches can partner with the parents of the children we are blessed to have in our care to help those players grow to be the kind of people who will one day teach the next generation the value of such things.

What Will You Be Proud of When We Return to Sports?

By John O'Sullivan

https://changingthegameproject.com/what-will-you-be-proud-of-when-we-return-to-sports/

May 3, 2020

Tony Robichaux was a legendary collegiate baseball coach upon his passing in 2019. His teams at McNeese St and Louisiana won numerous conference titles, well over 1000 games, and made over a dozen trips to the NCAA Championships, including a College World Series in 2000. The other day I came across a quote from Robichaux that stopped me in my tracks, because it reflected something I have been thinking and speaking about quite often lately: what is my higher purpose than winning? 

When asked why he was so deeply invested in not simply developing great baseball players, but great people, Robichaux replied:

“I don’t want to teach just baseball, because I don’t want to face the Lord one day and He tells me ‘I sent you over 600 boys for you to turn into men. I see you turned them into baseball players, but you didn’t turn them into men.’”

Robichaux’s connection to this higher purpose than winning led to numerous wins, but it led to something much greater: positive influence. And that is what I want to talk about today.

As countless athletes, parents and coaches grapple with the uncertainty of COVID-19, many of us are feeling lost, losing motivation, and while we feel busier than ever, we may be accomplishing very little. I have spoken to many parents working from home – or not working at all – just trying to hold it all together. I have talked to coaches who are inundated with free webinars and coaching tools, yet feel no purpose to all their time spent online. And in conversations with numerous youth, high school and collegiate athletes, I continue to sense frustration, uncertainly, dwindling motivation, and a massive longing to get back together with their teammates. 

So what are we all to do?

To read the rest of the article click on the link below:

https://changingthegameproject.com/what-will-you-be-proud-of-when-we-return-to-sports/