Coaching and Parenting

This is the fourth in a series of articles discussing chapters in Terry Pettit's book Talent and the Secret Life of Teams. Mr. Pettit served as the head volleyball coach at Nebraska for 23 years and his teams won 21 conference titles and the 1995 NCAA national championship.

by Jim Freeman

August 18, 2020

"My father once told us 'I want my kids to suffer'. At first I was shocked, but as I got older the more sense it made." - Roberto Clemente Jr., son of Roberto Clemente

I grew up in the Pittsburgh area during the 1960s and 70s...Roberto Clemente was my hero...and he still is. Clemente played right field for the Pittsburgh Pirates from 1955 to 1972 and was inducted into the Baseball Hall of Fame in 1973. He would have been 86 today. He perished in a plane crash on New Year's Eve in 1972 attempting to deliver food and supplies to earthquake victims in Nicaragua. I remember the quote about him wanting his children to suffer...as a youngster I heard him say it in an interview on television and I was puzzled by the statement. However, the sentiment certainly resonated with me as a coach and also as a parent now that we have children of our own.

Pettit comments "there is no growth without pain" and that is what Mr. Clemente meant in the statement referenced above. There is no growth without struggling and failing and ultimately persevering. Sports provide a wonderful environment for learning how to successfully deal with disappointment, failure and pain while improving resilience, work ethic and self-sacrifice. Helping young people in that process is one of the driving forces behind why I became a coach in the first place.

I have been coaching far longer than I have been parenting but I have always been aware of the many things both vocations have in common. In general I think the goal of both is to prepare children to stand on their own...to eventually not need the parent or coach in order to be successful.

I remember having that message hammered home to me when I heard Hugh McCutcheon (current Minnesota head volleyball coach) answer a question about being nervous or worried because he was forced to miss some of the matches in the 2008 Olympic games as the head coach of the men's national team. He said he was not concerned in the least because they trained so that his presence was not needed in those matches. That team won the gold medal. I have tried to take a similar approach as a coach ever since.

Not long after those Olympics the coaches I worked with were really trying to emphasize these kinds of things with our high school team. We trained in a way that gave players more ownership and we purposely injected chaos into our practices. During one match that year I inadvertently turned in the wrong lineup (I wish I could say I did it on purpose). We then had the pleasure of watching our team work things out on their own and proceed to play very well. That remains one of my favorite coaching memories because we were not needed...those players were ready to do it themselves. Not so coincidentally that team displayed a remarkable level of toughness and poise in winning the state championship match at the end of the season.

When I first got into coaching I thought I was the kind of coach that every parent would want for their child.  I was somewhat naïve (and possibly rather arrogant) concerning what I thought all parents desired for their kids.  It did not take long before I was disabused of many of those particular fantasies. I quickly discovered that playing time was considerably more important to many parents than my lofty notions regarding what was best for their children. I've learned a great deal over the years about how to connect with parents and work with them in teaching and preparing their kids for what life will send their way. 

Pettit writes "Are we committed to behaviors that lay the foundation for success? Are we on time? Do we look each other in the eye when we speak? Do we give great effort? Do we maintain the sacredness of the group by not voicing our frustrations outside the team? Do we encourage our teammates even when we are on the sidelines?"  The development of these sorts of qualities is what makes sports matter and they are the kind of characteristics we want to see our children learn and display. Coach Bob Ladouceur whose De La Salle High School football team (Concord, CA) went undefeated from 1992 to 2004 said the game only "stood tall" for him when he could use it as a forum to teach his players how to become better people, how to become men of outstanding character. I believe it is also no coincidence that coaches and teams who place great emphasis on developing these qualities and stress the value of being excellent on each repetition in each drill in each practice ultimately produce championship level teams and programs. Anson Dorrance who has led UNC women's soccer teams to 22 national championships has stated "What drives winning? Character development."

Mr. Pettit concludes "...my wish is that everyone's son or daughter has the opportunity to play for a coach who is hopeful about the team's future, who believes your kid has the right stuff to get the job done, who encourages  your son or daughter to commit to behaviors that will provide the best chance for success, and who creates an environment where kids have the opportunity to risk, rise, fall and risk again...these characteristics would make for great parenting as well."

I've never enjoyed seeing players struggle or seeing them fail but it is a necessary part of the process of becoming tougher, better people. I have enjoyed watching players overcome obstacles and display great courage and will. Those people inspire me and those around them. Hopefully we as coaches can partner with the parents of the children we are blessed to have in our care to help those players grow to be the kind of people who will one day teach the next generation the value of such things.